Insomnia
by Cherdy the Molologist
Summary: He surveyed the vial in his hand. The cranberry coloured liquid glistened in the firelight, making the poison seem as innocuous as the cranberry juice that often appeared with his breakfast.


Severus Snape sat in his favourite wingback chair in front of his massive fireplace. It was the perfect place to do this. To end his pain, the pain that she had caused him. How many times had they sat in front of this very fireplace, talking, kissing, and making love? Many times he had been on the brink of replacing the stone hearth, but sentimentality had kept him from it; more times than he could count.

He surveyed the vial in his hand. The cranberry coloured liquid glistened in the firelight, making the poison seem as innocuous as the cranberry juice that often appeared with his breakfast. He tipped it, allowing the liquid to flow to one end of the tube, surrounding the cork. He tipped it back, entranced by the sparkle of the moving liquid. Over and over he tipped it, lost in the motions. He had no idea how much time passed as he did this; it may have been minutes, maybe hours. His motions ceased at the sound of his bedroom door opening. He palmed the vial, sure that the woman who approached him, his wife, would know exactly what it was. When she reached his side, she bent low and spoke quietly in his ear.

"What are you doing up so late, Severus?" she purred, "Come back to bed, I'm sure I can find something to occupy you with if you can't sleep…" she let her words hang in the air suggestively before crossing in front of him and sashaying back to the bedroom, her hips swaying side to side seductively.

After a moment of consideration, he decided that at this particular point in time, sex with his wife was preferable to wallowing in self-pity in front of the fire. Who knew, maybe he would actually get some sleep. He rose from his chair, deposited the vial of poison back into the drawer where it was kept, and followed his wife into the bedroom.

Hours later, he was still awake in his bed. His wife was sprawled across his chest, her thick brown hair covering her back and tickling his abdomen. Though his wife never seemed to have trouble falling asleep after sex, he never did; and as the first rays of artificial sunlight permeated the darkness of the dungeons, he slipped out from under his sleeping and wife to prepare for the long day ahead.

---

Only two nights had passed before Severus found himself in front of the fire again. He twirled the vial between his fingers absently as he became lost in his thoughts.

_Very few students returned to Hogwarts the year after Dumbledore's death. Professor McGonagall had been named Headmistress, and though the school remained open, Harry Potter did not return for his seventh year; and neither did Ronald Weasley, as you could almost always find him tagging along after his famous friend. Hermione Granger, however, was one of the students who did return. Regular classes were not held, as there were not nearly enough students for that, so the days had been spent training for the war. During this time, it was Severus' job to teach Hermione occlumency. Thankfully, she was much more capable than Potter, and she learned to become quite good at it. Following her graduation, Hermione Granger became the second member of the Order of the Phoenix to join the Death Eaters and officially become a spy. To the surprise of most, Harry Potter's mudblood friend became a favoured Death Eater, often being privy to the most classified information._

_Harry Potter had eventually defeated the Dark Lord, but it had cost him his life. Not only his own, but those of almost everyone around him. In fact, the only members of the Order who had survived were the ones engaged in battle on the outskirts of the skirmish. Namely, Severus Snape and Hermione Granger. _

_Neither one of them were particularly upset by these events, as they had been quite isolated from the other members of the order. A large number of the members did not trust them, and they were mostly left to keep each other company. Hermione had grown apart from Harry and Ron when they did not return for their final year of school. They had been upset that she did not quit school with them, and Hermione's growing friendship with the potions master led to further estrangement. _

_After the final battle, it seemed only natural that they had become friends. They had become quite close during the occlumency sessions, and now, all they had was each other. Many Sunday afternoons were spent together in front of his fireplace, talking, reading, and sometimes just sitting in silence. _

_It was one of those silent days the first time he kissed her. They had spoken a few words of greeting when she arrived at his door, but after that they had sat in a comfortable silence watching the flames dance in the grate. They had settled on the sofa in his living area, and she surprised him by leaning right into him, which was not a common occurrence. He put his arm about her in order to make himself more comfortable, and she snuggled in even further. He was surprised to feel a pang of disappointment when she pulled away from him some time later; but when she turned to face him, he knew something was different in the way she was looking at him. He could never have been prepared for her question. Could she kiss him? _

_He was stunned. Part of him wanted to say no and reprimand her for being so foolish, and another wanted to take her up in his arms and kiss her senseless. He opened his mouth to turn her down, there was no way he could risk losing her friendship, but the words seemed to be frozen in his throat. Before he even realized what he was doing, he was nodding his head slowly in acceptance. She leaned closer and placed her lips on his. They were gone again, before he even had a chance to respond. She smiled absently for a moment, touching her lips before asking him what he would like to order from the house elves for dinner._

_As their Sunday afternoons continued, there were more kisses, though much less awkward than their first one. "I love you Hermione," said Severus quietly one evening as she prepared to leave. She froze for a moment, before busying her hands by fixing her hair. _

"_You do?" she replied_

"_I know I do. I've never felt this way about anyone before." He answered solemnly. _

_Hermione nodded her head and stood on her toes to give him a light kiss. "I love you too. Goodnight." She said with no small amount of apprehension. Severus didn't even notice her hesitation. The woman he loved said she loved him back. He felt as if his heart might burst._

Severus snorted. What a fool he had been. Declaring his love like a silly little schoolboy, too wrapped up in his happiness to notice she wasn't sure of her words. It wasn't until later, when he went back in a pensieve, that he noticed her reluctance to repeat the words. What a fool he had been. What a fool…

- - -

_He pulled her closer, and kissed her again. She slid her hands underneath his robes, running her fingers along his bare chest and down his abdomen. His eyes widened as she slipped her hand into his pants and began to stroke him. She pulled away slightly, and he looked at her questioningly. His eyes widened even further as he realized what she was doing. She unbuttoned his robes and then her own. He hadn't been expecting this to happen so soon in the relationship, but he wasn't complaining. No, definitely not._

_He was not entirely sure if she was a virgin that first time, so he went slow and tried to make her more comfortable just in case. He had been more than surprised when, not fifteen minutes after they had finished, she was ready to do it again._

_After that, they saw no more silent Sunday afternoons reading in front of the fire. They now spent most of their time in his bed, or in the shower, or the chair, their old reading spot in front of the fire, and even his dining table. "I love you," he said as he led her out of his storeroom, still tingling from their frantic coupling against the shelves. _

"_I love you too" she replied easily, for she had become accustomed to saying these words._

He uncorked the vial, and brought it before his eyes. The red liquid splashed the insides of the vial, but he was careful not to spill a drop of the potent mixture. A sound from the next room warned him that his wife was waking. He put the cork back in, and hid the vial from sight as the bedroom door opened. His wife approached him as she had a few nights previous. She passed by him and continued toward the washroom. As soon as she had closed the door, he rose from his chair and placed the vial back in its drawer at his desk. As he reached his chair, his wife emerged from the bathroom, desire shining in her heavy-lidded eyes. "Come to bed, husband."

---

This could not go on. This was the fifth night in the past week and a half that he had spent the night in front of the fire, unable to sleep. It had been exactly three years ago today that he had proposed to her…

_He nervously fingered the box in his pocket, wondering if he would finally find the courage to ask her to marry him. They had only been together a year, but they were so close. Why should there have to be a long relationship before an engagement? He already knew that she was the one for him. He would never love anyone as much as he loved her, and this was the perfect way to have her forever. Marriage was forever, in the magical community._

_They met outside of what was once Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlour and headed towards Gringotts. She began chatting about work, and a co-worker who was going to have a baby, and she mentioned she was very close to being given a promotion. When he neglected to congratulate her, or make any comment at all, she looked at him worriedly._

_Her eyes widened at the sight of him. He was pale, and sweating profusely. She stopped walking, and looked at him closely, trying to discern if there were any physical injuries. She noticed that his hand was trembling in her own, and he looked quite distracted. He hadn't even noticed that they had stopped walking, nor was he aware that he was under her scrutiny. After a few moments, she started to become a bit worried. "Severus... Severus… Severus!" His eyes took a moment to focus on her, as if his thoughts had been very far away. "Are you alright? What is wrong with you? We've been standing here for over two minutes and you haven't blinked once!" Hermione's voice rose in panic._

"_I'm fine," he said "just a bit preoccupied." He added, hoping she would calm down. She gave him a wary look, and then motioned for them to continue walking._

_As they reached the marble steps in front of Gringotts, the words seemed to spill from his mouth. "Marry me, Hermione," _

_So much for a romantic moment. Her response wasn't exactly what he had been anticipating. An overjoyed yes, or even a calm one, or perhaps her saying it was too soon. Those he could have predicted, but laughter was completely unexpected. _

_When he asked the question, she had stopped walking, completely shocked. Then, after a moment of silence she burst into laughter. She turned to look at him, sure that he was joking, but when she saw the look in his eyes, and the ring in his hand, she realized that this was for real. Her laughter ceased, and the joy on her face quickly became surprise. He was actually proposing. "Are you serious?" she asked incredulously, not sure if she wanted to hear an answer or not. _

"_Yes. I know we are meant for each other, so why wait? This is the real thing," he explained. _

_Hermione raised her eyebrows sceptically. "I don't know what to say. I think this is a bit too soon. Maybe we should wait a while to make this all official," she said, trying to reason with him. _

_He nodded. "If you need time, that's ok. Will you wear the ring, as a promise ring?" Hermione nodded and held out her hand. It was a nice ring, after all._

---

Two weeks after the proposal fiasco, everything fell apart…

---

_They had been out for dinner, a nice restaurant in Hogsmeade, when it all happened. Severus hadn't mentioned getting engaged again. He hadn't mentioned marriage, kids, or anything that would concern their future together. He had been planning on letting her bring the topic up, let her start the conversation. He didn't want to seem too pushy. No matter what he had been planning, he was the one to bring up the topic of an engagement. _

_Hermione wasn't wearing the ring. The dwarf-mined diamond solitaire ring that had cost him a fortune, half of his life savings, to be exact. "Where's your ring?" he asked calmly, not wanting to seem too upset about her not wearing it in case she had a perfectly good reason not to wear it._

"_Oh, I decided not to wear it today. I'm not all that big on jewellery" she responded casually, waving her hand as if to dismiss the subject._

"_Not big on jewellery? That is you engagement ring, Hermione! It should be something you wear everyday for the rest of your life!" _

_Hermione choked on the water she had been drinking "I thought we agreed that it would be a promise ring." She said slowly._

"_That was a mistake," said Severus firmly. "It is an engagement ring. The same promise is being made. We promise each other to get married." He said, hoping she would see it this way. _

"_You're right," she finally said. He relaxed. "It was a mistake. I don't want to promise you anything. I don't want to make promises about the future of our relationship. Promises I can't keep. I'm not entirely sure our relationship has much of a future at all." _

_Severus felt as though a bludger had just hit him directly in the stomach. He stared at her for a few moments, unable to formulate an intelligible reply. "You don't want to marry me?" he finally asked. _

_Hermione thought for a moment, considering her answer. Did she really want to wake up next to this man every morning for the next one hundred years? Did she want to live with him, have his children, and have him as her one and only lover for the rest of her life? "No" she replied, "I'm sorry, but that isn't what I want." She paused. "Not at all." She added thoughtfully. "I should go." She stood and placed her napkin on the table in front of her. She turned and walked away from him, out of his life. She paused at the door, turning to look at him one final time before leaving the restaurant._

_---_

The third anniversary of that evening found Severus in front of the fireplace once again. Over the past few weeks, his insomnia had occurred quite frequently. His health had been suffering, as had his moods and students. He summoned a bottle of firewhiskey, and downed half of it in a few rapid mouthfuls. He stood, stumbling over an ottoman. He kicked it violently, then turned and pushed the chair so that it tumbled over, landing close to the grate, but not near enough to become consumed by flames. He turned from the flickering flames, deciding to head back to bed. He stumbled over the ottoman once more, lost his balance, and crashed to the floor. He woke four hours later to the sounds of the Slytherins on their way to the Great Hall for breakfast.

---

As the weeks passed, Severus barely slept at all. His health continued to deteriorate, thanks to the lack of sleep and food, as well as his dependency on stimulants to stay awake and alert during classes. His marriage, if you could even call it that, began to suffer as well. He had never been a doting husband, as the marriage had been one of convenience, but his complete lack of attention to his wife only exacerbated the situation.

Anna Vector had always had an obsession with the mysterious potions master, and recognized his vulnerability after his relationship with Hermione had ended. Severus had initially been irritated by Anna's attentions, but he found her company tolerable enough to marry her. If the announcement of their engagement in the Daily Prophet didn't stir enough jealousy in Hermione, he would at least have an adoring wife. He really had expected her to come back to him, begging him to take her back, but she never did. By the time he realized she wasn't going to come back, it was too late; he was already married. Throughout the first few years of marriage, he had always had a flicker of hope that she would owl him, begging for a second chance. That hope was extinguished the day he saw her in Diagon Alley.

_It was the first time he had seen her since the scene in the restaurant, and even though almost three years had gone by, she still looked the same. Her bushy brown hair, her plump cheeks red from the cold, and her mouth stretched into a delighted smile. Her companion was vaguely familiar, a former student whose name he couldn't place, and it was obvious that they were together. They were walking quite close together, and as they got nearer, he could see that they were holding hands. He was about to step into the fist shop he came to to avoid conversation, but she had already seen him. The smile on her face fell a bit, but she didn't look away. He nodded at her as he passed, leaving so quickly that she couldn't have said a word to him if she wanted to._

That had been about three months ago, right before the insomnia started. He was in his chair again, the familiar vial clutched in his hand.

---

There had always been a possibility, but now there was no chance of Hermione ever coming back to him. For years he had always consoled himself with the possibility that she really did love him, but she was just too proud to come back, afraid that he had moved on, maybe too depressed to leave her house, but the Daily Prophet had robbed him of even that small comfort.

The proof that Hermione had moved on arrived with the morning mail, plain as day and undeniable. A lovely photo on the front page of the _Prophet. _A slightly chubbier, but very happy looking Hermione in the arms of the vaguely familiar gentleman she was with that day in Diagon Alley. _"Anthony Goldstein, heir to Goldstein Enterprises, announces engagement."_

Severus rose from his chair and walked tiredly to his desk. He sat for over an hour, discarding several drafts of the letter he was writing before signing his name to his fifth attempt and placing the sealed envelope on the mantle above the fireplace. He returned to his chair, and gazed into the fire, seemingly lost in thought. A short while later, he reached into his pocket and produced the vial of cranberry liquid that always seemed to accompany him during his late night musings.

He uncorked the vial as he had a few weeks before, but instead of raising it to eye level and examining it, he closed his eyes and raised it to his lips. "Hermione" he breathed before tipping the liquid into his mouth. "Hermione" he choked out once more as his vision slipped out of focus and faded to black.

---

At precisely 3:35 am, the envelope keyed to deliver itself upon the death of Severus Snape disappeared from his mantle and reappeared on the mantle over Ms. Hermione Granger's fireplace.

---

She rushed out of her bedroom, hair flying and robes wrinkled. She stopped in front of a large mirror and tried to put her robes in order before rushing to the fireplace and grabbing a handful of floo powder and tossing it in. She disappeared with a swirl of green flames, not even noticing the parchment resting atop her fireplace.

Hours later she returned through the same fireplace and collapsed in the armchair in front of it. As she sat and mentally reviewed her day, she noticed that the Evening Prophet had arrived; it was sitting on her mail tray on the mantle. She heaved herself out of the chair and retrieved the newspaper.

"_War Hero dead at age 44" _The headline captured her attention completely, and she absently scooped up the rest of the mail that was in the tray. She sat in stunned silence as she learned the fate of her former lover. Suicide. She sat in her chair as the room darkened around her, unmoving, and unseeing as she stared intently ahead, her eyes glazed. It wasn't until almost an hour later that she noticed the thick envelope sitting in her lap. Her stomach gave a jolt of recognition when she saw the familiar slanted writing, and she took a deep breath before opening the envelope and reading the last words of Severus Snape.

_My Dearest Hermione…_

I appreciate all feedback. It has been months since I wrote this, and even longer since I have read any fanfiction. RL is busy, but good. Thank you for reading, thank you for reviews, bless you.


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